Wedding crashers, and sitting in a room full of 'johns'

What a great week and weekend it has been; I have been learning a lot about CWES and its activities, as well as a lot about Nepali culture and customs simply by spending time with Sabita, her family and the communities I have come into contact with. This is a long post...kind of 2-3 posts in 1...because I have been short on time, and because I could not get online on Saturday night. So basically, this is an accumulation of typing over the course of 2 different evening sessions on my laptop...and just FYI, my thoughts are not in chronological order :)

I first have to write about the experience that has trumped all others so far! This morning (Sunday, June 20), Sabita and I traveled with one other MSBK staff member, Anil, to a community just outside the city to meet with a women’s organization that is doing micro-finance work. Impressively, even though the village community where the organization is located is small, the organization has over 200 general members, all of whom are women (men aren’t allowed)! Sabita asked the women to hold this meeting specifically so that I could meet the women and hear about their activities; 9 women, most of whom hold some position in the organization and/or who have taken loans themselves attended. I heard all about their activities via Sabita, who so kindly acted as my personal translator, and again, I was very impressed...however, the most exciting part does not have to do with the work of the organization, and rather, has everything to do with the women themselves, and the selfless hospitality they offered me. As we were wrapping up the meeting, one of the women asked if I wanted to see a Nepali wedding. Ummm, yes, of course I wanted to see a Nepali wedding!!!!! So the women led the way as Sabita, Anil and I followed...it was like we were all old friends, and no longer was the language barrier important...we were out of meeting mode, and truly able to just be humans together...we walked arm in arm down a dirt path to a house that was decorated beautifully. I did not have time to stop to see the altar area that had been set up, or very much else for that matter, because the women led me straight to the ‘dance floor,’ where a live band was playing traditional Nepali music! My backpack was removed from my back and I was pulled by one woman out into the middle of the open dance area...I obviously have no idea how to do Nepali dancing, but I followed along as best I could. At this point, guests at the wedding started taking pictures of those of us who were dancing. Everyone was laughing, including me, and probably at me; I’m sure I looked as awkward as I felt! After several songs, I was presented with a plate of traditional Nepali food and Indian sweets, a flower lei to wear, and was also given a ‘tika,’ or blessing (the red, sometimes yellow or white, mark Hindus wear on their foreheads). For some reason, I was treated as the guest of honor...which is actually not any different than I have been treated during my time here; I am consistently humbled by the kindness and welcomeness I feel everywhere I go. After receiving my gifts, I was pulled out to dance for a couple more songs, and then, before I knew it, it was time to go. I never saw the bride and groom, haha, and I only later had a chance to ask Sabita where they were and why they weren’t at their own wedding. She explained that they hadn’t arrived yet, because part of the celebration involves many family members and friends ceremoniously bringing the bride from her parents’ house to the house of the grooms’ parents’ house (which, after the wedding, becomes the home of the new couple). I also realized afterward, that none of the women whom we had been meeting with stayed at the wedding when it was time for Sabita and Anil and I to leave (we had scheduled another meeting with another women’s organization on the other side of town)...they all left at the same time we did, I think because it is ‘busy season’ for a lot of them, in the sense that it is farming season here. So what it comes down to, is, essentially, I crashed a Nepali wedding with the coolest group of empowered women I have ever met :)

What’s even better about seeing at least part of a Nepali wedding (though I didn’t see the actual ceremony), is the fact that I have now seen both a wedding and a funeral. I attended the funeral ceremony last Monday, I think it was, with Sabita and her mother; it was for a young man, I think 28 or 29 years old, who passed away of cancer. 15 days after someone dies here, is when this ‘celebration’ begins, and the celebration lasts for 3 days. We went to this particular celebration on the 15th day, so on the 1st day of the celebration. A statue/sculpture of the man had been made of bamboo and draped with cloth and put on display under a big white tent at the community house I had mentioned when I posted the picture of Sabita with the painting of her family’s village. The statue sat on a cage-like structure, which had also been draped with many colorful garlands of paper flowers and flags. Many ‘offerings’ were also around the statue - offerings of fruit, flowers, incense, and other food. When we got there, there was not a lot going on. There was a group of mostly men sitting in chairs set up near the statue, which again, was outside the community house under big white tent. And there were groups of people sitting inside the community house at tables eating curried vegetables and Indian ‘roti,’ a type of deep-fried sweet bread, and drinking tea and Tang (a lot of people drink Tang here). Sabita and I joined her mother at a table to eat, and after some time, the festivities began. A group of Buddhist monks and lamas who live at and take care of the community house came out in colorful masks and costumes and began chanting and singing and beating drums and circling the caged statue area under the tent. Everyone gathered around to watch, and people began tossing rice onto the Buddhists as they circled the statue and passed the crowd over and over again. I noticed that many of the women in the crowd had taken their hair down out of braids and buns, and Sabita said this was a sign of mourning. The wife and father of the man who had died, both dressed completely in white, were present in the crowd. The father seemed to have a few ‘parts’ in the show, but the woman did not (side note: women who lose their husbands are referred to as single women, not widows, here in Nepal). The man’s mother was neither dressed in white, nor did she have any part in the festivities or rituals, nor was she set apart, in any way, from the other women present at the ceremony (interesting, I thought). Sabita said that since one woman, the man’s wife, was dressed in white, the mother did not need to be. After the Buddhist men made many circles around the caged statue, everyone who no longer had living parents (Sabita told me all of this as everything progressed) joined in the circling of the caged statue, and also continued tossing rice toward the statue. The performers then changed course and began walking toward the entrance to the community house; so the crowd followed, down a long driveway out to a road area. A ritual then took place, where the brother-in-law of the man who died (his sister’s husband), playfully ‘provoked’ the Buddhist wearing the biggest mask by coming close to him, but then running away when the Buddhist would come after him. This happened several times - this game of cat and mouse - until finally the brother-in-law gave in and let the Buddhist with the mask ‘catch’ him. Everyone laughed and cheered, making it seem less and less like a funeral. Many people and children then ate some of the fruit and other food that had been offered to the man who died, and then the festivities continued. We all returned to the caged statue, where many people joined the Buddhists around the statue, this time, standing still (no longer circling); at first, the men chanted and sang with the Buddhists and then the women joined in. It was very beautiful to hear, and it sounded like the group had practiced harmonizing together...maybe they had, I don’t know. The ceremony came to a close shortly after.

I later asked Sabita if what we had seen was primarily a Buddhist ceremony, since the Buddhist men were the ‘leaders’ of the festivities, and she said no, it was a mix of Hinduism and Buddhism. I knew before coming here that although most Nepali people identify as Hindu, Hinduism here in Nepal is really a combination of Hinduism and Buddhism (and Buddhism is really a combination of Buddhism and Hinduism). There are obviously a lot of things that set each religion a part from the other, but at this funeral ceremony, I was able to see taking place exactly what I have read about. A lot of books say that Nepali Hindus and Buddhists have been able to live harmoniously with one another for so long (i.e., religious conflict, at least between Hindus and Buddhists in Nepal, has never really been a problem) because both traditions, in the form which they exist here in Nepal, include so many aspects of the other. I can see now, why, as a Hindu, for example, it would be difficult to hold a grudge against Buddhists, when it was Buddhists who performed the rituals at one of my family member’s funeral ceremonies!

I wish I could keep typing about the other things Sabita and I did this weekend, but I feel like I should move on to a quick internship update. Really quickly...I was finally able to make it out to the island on Fewa Lake where there the Hindu Barahi Temple is located. In true tourist fashion, I asked Sabita to request we pay extra to be able to rent our own boat so I could row it, haha, while most other people went in boats with 10-12 people, and which were paddled by guides. Anyways, it was beautiful! We also went and saw another temple located inside a cave, a place called Devis Falls, and a Buddhist ‘gumba,’ or temple. We were furthermore able to spend some time at Sabita’s parents’ house. There is so much to say about all of these things, but again, I should move on to an internship update...

I spent the majority of last week in the CWES office, however, I did have a chance to participate in/observe two discussion-based meetings put on by CWES off-site. The first relates to the second half of the title of this blog entry. For those of you who are unfamiliar with certain language used when talking about commercial sex work and/or human trafficking, and specifically trafficking of women and girls as, essentially, sex slaves, the title of this blog may have been a bit confusing. Basically, the generic term used to describe specifically male customers of specifically female sex workers is ‘johns’ (on another note, ‘female sex workers’ is preferred over ‘prostitutes,’ so I use this term throughout my writing). One of the ways CWES carries out its HIV/AIDS education and prevention work is by hosting discussion-based meetings targeting different ‘most at risk populations,’ or MARPS. These MARPS get their designations because they are considered most at risk for contracting and spreading HIV/AIDS; examples of such populations are female sex workers, their clients (or ‘the johns’), injecting drug users, and migrant workers and their spouses. To tie all of this together, then, the first meeting I attended and observed on Wednesday was with 8 ‘johns.’ For those of you who know me well, you might be able to imagine some of the things I was thinking as I sat in a room with these men (some of whom appeared to be no older than 15 or 16), who themselves self-identify as clients of female sex workers (whether they have been clients only once or on a regular basis, I don’t know). On one hand, I was angry at them; I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who I knew had sexually exploited a woman, or women, by paying for sex...let alone, sat in a room with eight of them. Sitting with my thoughts, while at the same time struggling to not be judgmental was difficult. On the other hand, like I said, they seemed so young, so I felt sadness for them, as well. All of them had to have been between the ages of 15 and 25, at the most. I obviously could not understand exactly what was said during the discussion, since it was all in Nepali, but because I have read so much material about CWES’ HIV/AIDS education and prevention work, I had an understanding of what kinds of questions were being asked by the CWES facilitators. From what I could gather from the participants’ responses and body language, as well as from the quick interpretation I received at the end of the discussion, it sounds like most of the men there had never been tested for HIV/AIDS...unfortunately, statistics show, especially due to the high risk behavior of these men, at least one of them has probably already been infected by HIV. The goal of CWES is not to make these men feel ashamed, though again, it was difficult for me to not want them to; rather, the goal is to encourage them to, initially, make small behavior changes to decrease their risk of getting HIV/AIDS (e.g., wear condoms), and then only later, maybe change the way they choose to live their lives completely (e.g., stop being ‘johns’ altogether).

The second meeting I went to (Friday) was similar, though there were different people present than at the first meeting. It was at the drop-in clinic CWES partners with and which CWES staff refer MARPS to when the MARPS decide they want to get tested for HIV/AIDS and/or other STIs. The people who were present were some of CWES’ volunteer peer educators (male and female), some staff of the drop in clinic, as well as a couple of female sex workers (like the ‘johns’ I met, these women were so young...probably not 20 years old yet). The meeting consisted of a short, light-hearted ‘quiz’ competition, where folks who answered questions about HIV/AIDS awareness correctly got a prize (the prizes were wrapped, and I just realized I don’t know what was inside...I will have to ask), and then concluded with a short discussion just with CWES staff and the peer educators. It was, a second time around, a mix of emotions as I sat in the room with the young women who are selling their bodies for money. Part of me wanted to tell them that they don’t have to do what they are doing, and I wanted to try to help them figure out other options for themselves; I wanted to encourage them to continue school and to tell them that they should never let any man treat them with disrespect. Aside from the language barrier, though, I couldn’t have said these things for other reasons...again, CWES’ aim is not to make the women feel ashamed of themselves, but rather, to help them assess their choices in hopes of encouraging them to make healthier ones...eventually, ending with them no longer working in the sex industry. These women were more than likely NOT being trafficked, which, I guess in many ways is a ‘relief,’ if I can use such a word in this context. Instead, they were most likely women who have chosen to be female sex workers (though I use ‘chosen’ with caution, here, since often times poverty forces women into commercial sex work...they have to get money to eat and fulfill other basic needs somewhere, and without an education/without the same education males receive, this is often difficult). So another reason why I could not have told these young women all that was on my mind is because CWES has taught me that in Nepal, many women maybe start this kind of work out of desperation, but later decide to continue because it is considered ‘easy work’ - it is not domestic labor, nor is it physical labor in the traditional sense of the word... plus, it does not require them to work outside in the hot weather.

Aside from the tremendous amount I have learned from reading about HIV/AIDS education and prevention, attending these meetings has taught me other things I have never had to consider before. Without the ability to voice what I am thinking and/or feeling, again, partly as a result of the language barrier and partly as a result that I have yet to be asked my opinion (and if I were to be asked, I’m not sure I would share what I was truly thinking), not only makes me ‘the American girl who can’t speak Nepali,’ but also has created a different type of group relations experience for me...in other words, I am not used to being the quiet one! I have had to learn how to sit with my thoughts and feelings, and how to save them for later for my journal. All of this has been challenging, like many other things here, but ultimately, I think it is all good for me, too :)

Lastly, here’s a little shout out to the best dad in the world on Father’s Day... love you Daddy...and another one to my favorite kiddos, Megan and Zoe! I miss you little ladies and can’t wait to see you when I get back...thanks, Mandy, for reading and commenting :)

Will post again soon!